I cannot find my penis.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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