My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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