Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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