I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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