I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
