so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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