so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
