I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
