He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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