Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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