I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
