I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
