recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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