They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
