I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
