i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
