Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
