I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize