my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize