just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
