remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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