My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
