I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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