Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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