That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
