I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
