After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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