My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This baby is an asshole
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
