Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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