i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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