i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
