Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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