I could make wine with my vomit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
