If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
