After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
