watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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