just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
