You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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