I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
