How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
