I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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