Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
