How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
