a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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