No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
