just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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