I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
