his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
