The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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