Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
