the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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