gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize