i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
