i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
