so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
